"Anarchy Activist"

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. A VERY NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL-- MORNING

INT. CLASSROOM-- MORNING

A young teacher of the name Miss Russell strides into the classroom.

MISS RUSSELL
'Morning, class.

No one bothers to respond; they're too busy throwing spitballs and aiming paper airplanes.

MISS RUSSELL
(louder)
I said, 'Morning, class!

Again, no one notices.  Three years of being Teacher's School #1 Pupil had never prepared her for this.  She wearily reaches for the whistle and blows it hard.  The effect is instantaneous.

CLASS
Hey!!

MISS RUSSELL
Well, it's about time you noticed!  I've been trying to get your attention for the last few minutes, people!

She surveys the immense disarray of the classroom with dissatisfaction.

MISS RUSSELL
Straighten the rows.  I would never want to show my face again if a fellow teacher had walked in just now.

She shudders at the thought.  The class, after some grumbling, complies.

MISS RUSSELL
Much better.  Okay, here's the lesson plan for today: we're going to have a discussion about the current American government.  Now, who can tell me about some of Bush's foreign policies?

Silence.  After a few moments of furious activity, the class suspiciously sinks back into a stupor.  Finally, LUCAS, a misguided adolescent, raises his hand.

LUCAS
Blow up every single innocent city there is.

Some people manage to shake off the drowsiness and titter.  JANIE, a staunch conservative, indignantly speaks up.

JANIE
You're too one-sided, Lucas.  There's a ruthless dictator running around over there and we need to stop him.

LUCAS
Yeah, but why does it have to be the Americans?

MISS RUSSELL
Lucas has brought up a good point, class.  Do we, as Americans, have a right to enter a country and stop a government, just because we thinks that it goes against out government?

JEN, one of the class sheep, lazily puts up her hand.

JEN
I think this whole war is only happening because Bush just wants to finish what his daddy started.

MISS RUSSELL
Yes, that's the general conclusion that people jump to.  But let's look at another issue.  What if Saddam Hussein really needs to be stopped?  Do Americans need to intervene?

LUCAS
But what about other countries?  What about North Korea and the pyscho maniac there?  Why are we putting less emphasis and taking less action on that country?

MISS RUSSELL
Why Lucas, I'm impressed.  I had no idea that you did the homework and read the news so diligently.

Lucas shrugs modestly.

LUCAS
I try.

BELL rings.  Students file out.

MISS RUSSELL
Lucas?

LUCAS
Yeah?

MISS RUSSELL
There'll be a debate three days from now.

Lucas starts to back away slowly, as if retreating from a rabid dog.  Debates aren't his thing.

LUCAS
Oh, gee, that's nice but, um, my throat is feeling slightly scratchy and by the time that debate rolls around, I'll be knocked flat on my back with a full-blown virus!  It could be contagious!  The students would kill me if I got them all sick-

MISS RUSSELL
Calm down.  It's just a little heads-up.  You did very well today in class and I thought you might want to consider participating in an actual debate.

LUCAS
Um, well,...

MISS RUSSELL
I'll give you five extra points on the next test if you go.

Bribery can work wonders.

LUCAS
Sure!

MISS RUSSELL
See you tomorrow.

Lucas walks out of the classroom and is swept away by the crowd outside, all trying to escape the school on a tempting Friday afternoon.  Lucas is contemplating whether or not to buy a treat at the bake sale set up in the corridor, when MICHELLE, the notorious gossip, walks up to him.

MICHELLE
So, what did the teacher ask you to stay behind for?

Lucas grows wary, eyeing Michelle cautiously.  The girl may not look like it, but she can wreck a reputation if it suits her needs.  Or whims.  And Lucas knows from experience.

LUCAS
Just wanted to talk to me about the upcoming debate.  But you know, it's a lose/lose situation if you bully me into telling you more.

MICHELLE
Did you really think I would be such a blabbermouth?  Well, I guess you would, considering last year's incident.

Lucas flinches, as humiliating memories dance before him.

LUCAS
Uh-huh, I remember.  You told everyone that I had a crush on Helen Chang, who by the way, is a known player, and I couldn't look anyone in the eye for six whole months.  Six!

MICHELLE
I know but that was a little slip of the tongue.  Honestly!

LUCAS
Forget about it, Michelle.  The only thing I'll be telling you from now on is what kind of socks I wear and even that, to you, is a dangerous subject.

He walks away.  Michelle fumes for a moment.

MICHELLE
He never trusts me.  No one does.

She then smiles maliciously.

MICHELLE
Oh well.  I'll just have to find out about it on my own.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. PARK WITH SCATTERED LEAVES-- AFTERNOON

Lucas is walking home with his buddy, ADAM, after school.

ADAM
I saw Michelle bugging you today.

LUCAS
"Bugging" is the understatement of the year.  It's more like, "clinging to me like Saran Wrap".

ADAM
That girl is seriously a wacko.  Remember what she did to you a few months back?

Again, the embarrassing recollections.  Lucas mentally wonders if those memories will be burned into his brain.

LUCAS
Like I could forget.  Helen Chang came up to me once and said that I had to be on her waiting list of boyfriends.  And this is all because Michelle saw me copying Helen's math homework once.

ADAM
Well, at least, she doesn't have anymore of those pus-filled pimples.

LUCAS
See, that's another problem with this country.  Too much is based on the sugarcoated package than on what's inside.

ADAM
What's with the Hallmark motto?

LUCAS
I'm not trying to sound cheesy but it's true!

ADAM
Then you must be a huge promoter of the cliches.

Lucas seems to be trying not to get all worked up and is failing miserably at it.

LUCAS
It's just a growing problem that the government should focus on more, instead of bombing Middle eastern cities.

ADAM
Um, dude?

LUCAS
Don't even try to stop me, Adam.  I really need to get this off my chest.  The government has some serious problems about it.  Maybe we should, like, abolish it.  Well, maybe not take it to such an extreme but we should at least do something about it.

ADAM
Really, Lucas, you should-

LUCAS
Adam, this is serious!  Would you please just focus on this problem?

ADAM
Sure I will.  But you just walked right by your house.

LUCAS
Right.

Another embarrassing moment to add to the growing list.

ADAM
See you later.

Lucas waves and bounds up the stairs, pausing to wipe his feet on the worn mat, with the words HOME SWEET HOME emblazoned on it.  He walks into the dark house to find his father, NEIL, passed out in front of the TV with several beer bottles crowded into his lap.  Lucas sighs and shakes his head.

LUCAS
Geez.

Then he sees a tattered report card flopping like a white flag on the coffee table.

LUCAS
Oh, great.

Neil stirs, yawns, and opens his eyes.

NEIL
What's this I see?

He squints at the report card.

NEIL
Ah.  All A's.  Good job.

LUCAS
Thanks.

NEIL
Oh, but what's this?
(a pause)
ONE BIG FAT D!!!

LUCAS
I sort of-

NEIL
I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses.  Especially not the "senior slump" you've been spewing around lately.

LUCAS
I don't have "senior slump" since I'm not a-

NEIL
Whatever.  How's this going to look like to Cornell?  Did you think about that?

LUCAS
I've been telling you, over and over again, I don't want to go to Cornell!  That's where all the snobs and the scarily smart people go.  Not me!

NEIL
How dare you boy.  Saying that Cornell is a snobfest.  I went to Cornell.

LUCAS
Yeah and look where you ended up.

NEIL
And what exactly is that supposed to mean?

Lucas loses it.  Temper, his mind, everything.

LUCAS
What does that mean?  I'll tell you what that means!  It means that you should get off your sorry behind and go find a job!  And you tell me to stop saying pathetic excuses.  You're always saying-

He puts on a whiny voice, as if mimicking a very demanding nine-year old girl.

LUCAS
"Lucas, go put out the dinner!"  "Lucas, fetch me a Heineken!"  Lucas this and Lucas that.  Well, if you get a job, it might mean a little less overload for me.  But nooo, all you do is watch your Cornell tapes and whine about how your glory days have ended.

NEIL
You're exaggerating.  I don't complain that much.

LUCAS
Oh really!  Well, you're not on the receiving end of all those complaints!  I AM!!  And you don't know how sick and tired I am of your whining.

NEIL
You're grounded.

LUCAS
WHY?!

NEIL
Don't ask why, just go to your room this instant!

LUCAS
Fine.  But don't think I'll heat up that usual frozen pizza for you this time.

He spins on his heel and stomps up the stairs.  Neil slumps in his chair and then grabs the phone.

NEIL
Well, it's just you and me, Chinese takeout.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

EXT. A VERY NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL-- NEXT MORNING

INT. CLASSROOM-- NEXT MORNING

Lucas is talking rapidly with Miss Russell in homeroom, before class starts.

LUCAS
I've made up my mind.  I'm going to that debate.  For sure.

He nods emphatically. 

LUCAS
And not only can I get the extra five points, I can get away from my crazy pop at the same time.

MISS RUSSELL
Let me guess.  He's freaked.

LUCAS
Petrified is more like it.  He wants me to get into Cornell, his old alma mater, and he's worried to death that now I've wrecked all my chances of getting in once and for all.  Of one measly D!

MISS RUSSELL
Don't worry.  He'll calm down.

LUCAS
You think?

MISS RUSSELL
Only if you're up to waiting for a long, long time.

LUCAS
Something to look forward to.

MISS RUSSELL
In the mean time, I suppose I could give you some pointers after school.

LUCAS
Thanks, Miss Russell.  Very much.  Let's start after school today!

MISS RUSSELL
Oops, no can do.  I have something to, um ... attend to this afternoon.  We'll start tomorrow, okay?

LUCAS
Alright.  Thanks.

MISS RUSSELL
What about that throat virus you got there?

LUCAS
What throat virus?  I'm not sick.

The realization that he's blown his cover comes too late.

LUCAS
It's getting better, thank you very much.

MISS RUSSELL
Good.  Wouldn't want to miss out on any of the action.

LUCAS
Of course not.

Neither of them notice a dark shadow lurking near the doorway.  It's Michelle and she has the look that a great gossipper gets when she has some juicy news to spread around.

INT. CAFETERIA-- LATER THAT AFTERNOON

Lucas and Adam are ambling down the hallways after lunch, dawdling, and delightfully ignoring the fact that they have classes they need to get to in the next few minutes.

ADAM
So you made up a throat virus?  That's gotta be the lamest excuse.

LUCAS
No, the lamest excuse is the carpal tunnel syndrome one you came up with last year.

ADAM
Oh, that's right!  I tried that on my Algebra teacher and I wound up with no homework for one week.

LUCAS
Huh?  Why only one week?

ADAM
Because he caught me passing a note to the guy sitting next to me on how deadly boring his class is.

LUCAS
Ouch.

ADAM
I'll say.  Not only was I painfully exposed but I also got detention and a month's worth of quadratic formulas.

LUCAS
Remind me never to use that excuse again.

ADAM
'Kay.

They part ways.  As Lucas maneuvers his way through the hallways, he catches a lot of people staring and snickering at hi.

LUCAS
God.  Adam must've out a "KICK-ME" sign on me.  Can he ever think of anything new to pull?

INT. CLASSROOM-- LATER THAT AFTERNOON

He enters the classroom.  He is just about to sit in his desk when the CHEM TEACHER, an old geezer, motions to him.

CHEM TEACHER
Lucas, I have a pass for you to go to the principal's office right now.

A collective chuckle pierces the air.  Lucas is now more confused than ever.

LUCAS
Why?

The Chem Teacher avoids looking directly at him.

CHEM TEACHER
Principal Keys just asked me to tell you to go to his office.  I think you'd better start moving.

Lucas stands up and walks out of the classroom, wondering what the hell is going on.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE-- MOMENTS LATER

The CAMERA pans in, focusing on the gold letters, BILL THOMAS KEYS, written on the door.  It swings open to reveal Lucas slouched in a seat.  PRINCIPAL KEYS, pudgy, bespectacled, and too old to deal with important matters, is sitting right across from Lucas.

LUCAS
Um, Mr. Keys, I really don't know why I'm here.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Of course you don't.  Well, let's hope a certain someone will clear up the confusion.

He impatiently motions to a listless secretary, who opens the door for someone.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Here she is.

LUCAS
You!

Big surprise, it's Michelle, who slinks forward with a smug smile plastered on her face.

MICHELLE
Oh, the guilty's already here.  Hi guilty!

LUCAS
(yells)
I'm not guilty of anything!

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Let's calm down, Lucas.  Take three deep breaths.  1...2...3... Now, release that tension.

Lucas breathes deeply three times, with his face growing redder and redder each time he inhales.  Finally, he bursts out.

LUCAS
Michelle, how could you-

MICHELLE
Um, Lucas, it's now my turn to talk.
(to Principal Keys)
I went to see Miss Russell to ask her some questions today and I saw them.

She now takes a deep breath, voice growing shaky.

MICHELLE
I saw Lucas, down on his knee, professing his love to Miss Russell!

LUCAS
(outraged)
I was not!

MICHELLE
You were too!

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Lucas, let's not interrupt other people while they're speaking.

Lucas can't do anything but sputter in anger.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Michelle, please continue.

MICHELLE
Anyway, Lucas was declaring his undying love for Miss Russell and she was actually returning it!

She dabs at watery eyes.

MICHELLE
It was the absolute cutest thing I ever saw!

She switches to a more businesslike tone.

MICHELLE
I'm sorry, Lucas.  But I really had to report you.  This sort of relationship between teacher and student has to be stopped.

LUCAS
But there is no relation-

Principal Keys ironically interrupts.

PRICNIPAL KEYS
You're exactly right.  Now we have to figure out the right punishment for Lucas here.

MICHELLE
Why not ban him from the date that's the day after tomorrow?

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Now that's not a bad idea!  Okay.  I've decided.  No debating for you.

LUCAS
(shocked)
How can you punish me without even hearing my side of the story first?

PRINCIPAL KEYS
That's really not the point, son.  Now, I expect you to take full responsibility for your actions and end relations with Miss Russell immediately.

By now, Lucas is shaking with frustration.

LUCAS
There is no relationship to end!

Michelle shakes her head sadly.

MICHELLE
Always denying things.

Lucas finally manages to control himself.  When he speaks, he sounds slightly strained but firm.

LUCAS
May I see the Student Handbook please?

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Of course.  May I ask why?

Lucas ignores him.  Then he jumps up.

MICHELLE
Lucas, you really must curb your constant hyperactivity.  I think I've got a migraine coming on, thanks to you.

LUCAS
Oh get over it.
(to Principal Keys)
It states here, in the Student Handbook, that a student may attend a tournament/debate/club activity, etc, under ANY circumstances.  So, I'd say that's quite a loophole there.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Let me see that!

He snatches the handbook away and quickly scans the paragraph.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Hmmph.  Not so fast, Lucas.  I would like to add an amendment-

LUCAS
No, it would be more of a contradiction instead?  It would go against the rule in the Handbook.  Which you wrote most of it, didn't you?

Principal Keys looks stricken when he figures out that he's been backed into a dead end.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Well, um, but, maybe...

LUCAS
Yes, Principal Keys, you would look like an utter hypocrite.  Not something the school board would like to see.  And especially not something you'd want on your slate the next time you run for principal.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
That's just low-down dirty, Lucas!

LUCAS
Not as dirty as what you did to me, sir.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
(to Michelle)
I'm afraid we'll have to let him participate in the debate.

MICHELLE
Fine.  He can enter.

Her eyes suddenly narrow and she puts her hands on her waist.

MICHELLE
But he'll have to compete against me!

At this proclamation, Lucas' mouth falls open in sheer horror.

LUCAS
That's no fair!  You're a Master at debating and I'm only a Novice!

MICHELLE
Your problem, not mine.

Lucas shoulders up and glares at Michelle

LUCAS
Fine.  Bring it on.

The two glower at each other for a few seconds and then leave through separate doors.  Principal Keys wipes his brow with a handkerchief.

Lucas walks through the hallways aimlessly, trying to find a bright side in the mess he's tangled up in.  Finding none, he decides to take out his anger on an innocent orange locker and kicks it.

LUCAS
Stupid Michelle.  What did I ever do to her?  Where am I going to find someone who can give me a crash course in formal debate in less than two days?

He appears to have been struck by a bright idea and starts running; he rounds the corner and skids to a stop in front of Miss Russell's classroom.  He peeks in and see her trying to cram several papers into a briefcase.

LUCAS
Miss Russell, cam I come in?

MISS RUSSELL
Sure, at your own risk.

LUCAS
Where are you going?

MISS RUSSELL
Oh Lucas.  The principal has asked for a little discussion with me ...

LUCAS
Let me guess?  About me, right?

MISS RUSSELL
Well ... yes.  I'm afraid that it doesn't spell "Teacher of the Month" for me.

She gestures to the briefcase, which is threatening to spill out papers.

MISS RUSSELL
I'm preparing for the worst anyway.

LUCAS
But it could be good, right?  Maybe you could say that I seduced you and you slapped me really hard!  So that's good for you!

He stops, trying to collect his thoughts.

LUCAS
Wait.  That wouldn't be good for me.

Miss Russell glances discreetly at her watch.

MISS RUSSELL
I have to be going now.  I guess you're going to have to find somebody else to help you.

LUCAS
Who?

MISS RUSSELL
Well, Michelle Brown is really good at debate-

LUCAS
(shrieks)
Don't ever say that unholy name again!

Miss Russell is understandably spooked by that burst of passion.

MISS RUSSELL
Um, okay, if you don't want me to, I won't ...

Principal Keys appears in the doorway, looking menacing with bright light shining from behind him, leaving his face and body in shadow.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
You're supposed to be in class, Lucas.  No need to get into trouble for the zillionth time.

LUCAS
(sarcastically)
Yes, wouldn't want that at all.

MISS RUSSELL
You'll do fine.  Good luck, Lucas.

LUCAS
If I going to do fine, then why would I need luck?

PRINCIPAL KEYS
(annoyed)
Look at him.  Already arguing.

LUCAS
Is every defense an argument?

Principal Keys chooses to ignore that and clears his throat.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
We best be going, Miss Russell.

MISS RUSSELL
Of course, Bill.

They exit.  Lucas is left standing there, staring after them.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE-- MOMENTS LATER

Lucas and Adam are standing outside the door; Lucas looking fretful and Adam looking, well, his usual: bored.

LUCAS
I need to tell him Adam.  I need to tell the principal that I just can't do it.  Without Miss Russell, I'm hopeless.

ADAM
Pray, how so?

LUCAS
Are you going to go all colonial on me?

ADAM
Whatcha talking about?

LUCAS
Remember that project we had to do in seventh grade?  Where we had to pretend we were all colonists for a week?

ADAM
Yeah?

LUCAS
Well, it seems to me you're still stuck in We-Hate-the-English-mode.

ADAM
Really?  Thanks!  Everyone's been commenting on how authentic I sound.

LUCAS
Whatever.  I need to get this over with.

He turns the doorknob and walks in.  Room shows the listless secretary, MARY JANG, sitting at her desk.  She looks up, with no interest.

MARY JANG
Yes?  How may I help you, kids?

Adam takes a deep breath and launches into an endless tirade.

ADAM
As I have been saying to all you mindless adults, we are not kids!  We are wandering post-tweens, who yearn for a place to belong and trying to establish our own category.  But how can we do that if you people keep on calling us kids!!

Mary is dazed, with a little drool settling in the corners of her mouth.  She quickly snaps out of it.

MARY JANG
O-kay.  So what do you want me to call you then?

ADAM
Wandering post-tweens will be fine.

LUCAS
Can I see Principal Keys?  I think he's done with his meeting with Miss Russell.

This captures Mary's interest.  She leans forward, keenly.

MARY JANG
Ohhh, so you're the one?  How long did the relationship last?  I promise, it'll be our little secret.

Lucas responds by banging his head onto the desk.

MARY JANG
Are you okay?  Perhaps you should go to the nurse.  You seem slightly hazardous.

LUCAS
I really ought to go punch Michelle.

MARY JANG
Now, now.  We can't have that.  I'll go get Principal Keys to resolve this.

LUCAS
No, no, just tell me when his meeting will be over.

Mary types on the computer for a minute and then looks up.

MARY JANG
I'm sorry but you must be mistaken.  He doesn't have any meeting scheduled with her.  In fact, he's not even in school right now.

LUCAS
Oh.  That's weird.  Do you know where he might be?

MARY JANG
I'm not in a position to disclose that kind of information.

She swiftly looks around and then drops her voice to a confidential whisper.

MARY JANG
But I did overhear him saying that he was taking the day off and taking some woman out to dinner.

She starts muttering angrily to herself.

MARY JANG
Wish I had a man like that.  Instead I got a UPS loser who dumped me.

Thinking that that bit of information shouldn't be disclosed, Lucas is ready to call it a day.  Adam, however, isn't.

ADAM
I can be that man for you, Miss Jang.

Mary looks deeply into his eyes.

MARY JANG
Please.  Call me Mary.

Lucas grabs Adam and hauls him through the door.

EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT-- CONTINUOUS

LUCAS
Maybe when Principal Keys gets back after his mystery date, I'll confront him.
(pause)
Hey!  If he's in town, then where's Miss Russell?  I'd better go back and ask Mary Jang.

Adam is stuck in Dreamland, filled with flowery images of his beloved.

ADAM
Ahh, Mary.  What a beautiful woman to fall in love with.

LUCAS
I can't believe this.  I'm the one who's supposed to have had an affair with a teacher, not you!

ADAM
Well, Mary's not technically a teacher.  She's a secretary.

LUCAS
Fine.  I just don't want you to end up in a fiasco like mine.

ADAM
Aww, that's so sweet of you to care about me.
(a beat)
Wait!  We can totally disprove whoever's going around, saying that you were dating Miss Russell?

LUCAS
How??

ADAM
We can say that you're gay.

Lucas ogles at him for a long moment.

LUCAS
You know, that actually sounds pretty good.

Suddenly, a blue car smoothly slides into a parking space that's labeled, RESERVED.  The front doors open and we hear Principal Key's loud, jolly voice, no doubt infused with the aftermath of liquor.  Lucas pulls Adam down behind a nearby bush.

LUCAS
Shhh!

ADAM
What?

The picture becomes clear.  Between the prickly branches of the bush, the camera zooms in to focus on Principal Keys and Miss Russell, both nearly falling over in their drunken state, as they totter into the building.

LUCAS
I don't believe it!

ADAM
Neither do I!  He's wearing penny loafers!

LUCAS
So?

ADAM
So am I!

He points at his shoes.  Sure enough, he's wearing penny loafers.  Lucas moves on to bigger problems.

LUCAS
They've been making it all up this entire time!

ADAM
And is that the only reason you're upset?

LUCAS
Of course.  Would you suggest any other motive?

ADAM
Could it be that you had a little thing for Miss Russell too?

Lucas gazes at him in horror.  Beneath his idiotic visage, Adam can be quite a good guesser.

ADAM
Well, did you?

Lucas decides to get the truth out, as a form of catharsis.

LUCAS
Fine!  I've had a crush on her for a few months now and Principal Keys got there first.

He groans and drops his head into his hands.

LUCAS
Do you have any idea how it feels to be rejected for a fat, old guy like him?

Adam is dejected beyond all reason.

ADAM
And here I was rooting for that alibi of you being gay.

They sit for awhile, each wallowing in his own thoughts.  Lucas breaks the silence first, by laughing hollowly.

ADAM
What's so funny?

LUCAS
If only Michelle knew how close to the truth she was when she spread that rumor about me.

Silence overwhelms them again.

END OF ACT FOUR

ACT FIVE

FADE IN:

EXT. LUCAS' HOME-- NIGHT

INT. LUCAS' KITCHEN-- NIGHT

The hero is tackling his kryptonite: chemistry homework.

LUCAS
How many moles are 40 grams of carbon dioxide equal to?

He scratches his head, feeling completely bewildered.  To add to the confusion, his father, Neil, wanders in, reeking of cheap beer.

NEIL
Hello, son!  What are you doing here?  Didn't expect you to drop by!  My day was the best!  How was yours?

LUCAS
You want to know?  You've never taken a special interest in my life.

NEIL
Come on.  Spit it out!

LUCAS
OKAY!  This was how my day went: I got accused of having an affair with my teacher, I have to prepare for this huge debate that's the day after tomorrow, I'm up against an unbeatable opponent, and the principal and said teacher and possibly the entire universe is conspiring against me!  Not only all of that, I revealed my biggest secret to the world's biggest airhead, also known as my best friend.  Now, on top of all this, the lights are flickering because you haven't paid the electric bills again.

Neil laughs, which incenses Lucas even more.  He considers throwing a sharp retort at his dad and then disregards it.  Sadness settles in.

LUCAS
Come on.  We'll have a real conversation tomorrow.

He slings Neil's arm around his shoulder and the two hobble up the stairs.

INT. LUCAS' KITCHEN-- NEXT MORNING

Lucas is reviewing flash cards and slurping chocolate milk at the same time.

LUCAS
Let's see.  Always look directly at the audience.  Do not picture them in their underwear.  Try not to stammer.

NEIL
(from upstairs)
Lucas!

LUCAS
Coming!

He grabs two aspirin and a glass of water and runs into his father's room.  Neil is lying in bed, relieving the joy of hangovers.

NEIL
Son, we need to talk.

LUCAS
Fine.

He hands the pills and the water to Neil, who swallows them down.

NEIL
I can see that you're still angry and you have every right to be.

LUCAS
Are you going to tell me a story?

NEIL
Yes.  It begins with the death of a wife, which left her husband so devastated that he turned to alcohol to numb the pain.  Despite that, he still wanted to have as much time as he could to be with his son.  He tried to give his son the attention that his own parents never gave him.  Supposedly, it would give him some sort of closure.

LUCAS
Did it?

A smile, with a hint of despair, appears on Neil's face.

INT. CLASSROOM-- AFTER SCHOOL

There's only one student in it: Lucas, who is pacing around, mumbling to himself.  When Adam comes in, with all his books, Lucas stops for a minute.

ADAM
How are you doing so far, dude?

Lucas grimaces and resumes pacing.

LUCAS
Very badly, if you must know.  I don't think I can even beat my first opponent, let alone Michelle.

ADAM
Huh?

LUCAS
It's like this: the tournament follows a round-robin system.  You compete with each participant and at the end of the first day, two people will be chosen to continue on to the final round.  Then, they have to debate one extremely important topic and the judges will decide the winner.

ADAM
Sounds stressful just to hear it.  Isn't all of that in twenty-four hours?

LUCAS
Uh-huh.  Luckily, all my teachers excused me from classes and homework.

He puffs out his cheeks and exhales, feeling very stressed indeed.

LUCAS
I don't know how I'm going to make it through all this.

ADAM
(very offhandedly)
I could teach you some basic skills.

LUCAS
You?  Do you have any experience?

ADAM
Of course!

LUCAS
Great!  What kind?

ADAM
What?

LUCAS
What kind of experience?

ADAM
Well, between arguing with the pizza delivery guy and the woman that runs the ice cream truck, I'd say that's alot of experience.

LUCAS
Why didn't I see this coming?

ADAM
You know, dude, you're really not in a position to be picky.

LUCAS
Right.  You're right.  What's the worse that can happen anyway?

Rule #1: Never, ever say "What's the worst that can happen anyway?"  Because that's the ultimate jinx and Lucas has, very ignorantly, added another curse to himself.

INT. CLASSROOM-- MOMENTS LATER

Adam is stretched out languidly in the teacher's chair, feet propped up on the desk.

ADAM
Oh, Lucas, fetch me another bag of Hot Fries.

Camera pans in to show Lucas in front of him, arms full of food, beads of sweat on his brow, and filled with the agitation of becoming Adam's personal slave.

ADAM
I just want you to know that I appreciate this dude.

He seems to be continuing his conversation but not much more can be heard in the midst of chomping and chewing.

LUCAS
And I want to know when we're going to get started.

Adam heaves a massive swallow and leans back in the chair.

ADAM
Soon.  I promise.  I just need an energy boost.

LUCAS
You said the same thing twenty minutes ago.

ADAM
Well, that means you're not doing your job very well.

Lucas slams all of the food onto the desk; bags and stacks of candy go flying.

LUCAS
Job?  I don't owe you a job.  However you owe me something because you promised.  Look, Adam, I really don't have time to cater to your ego!

Adam takes his feet off the desk and stands up.

ADAM
Okay, okay.  Let's get cracking.

LUCAS
Well, finally!  I'm going to get a pen and a piece of paper.

He turns around to rummage through his bookbag.  Adam snatches a bag of Hot Fries, tears it open, and crams the bag's entire contents into his mouth.  As he's chewing, his face turns pasty and he keels over.

LUCAS
Got them!  So, are you really supposed to picture the audience as potatoes?  And why does it have to be potatoes?  Why not ice cream cones?  What do you think, Adam?  Potatoes or ice cream cones?

No response.  Lucas gets annoyed.

LUCAS
Adam, can you at least pretend to be paying atten-

He notices for the first time that Adam is on the floor, with orange spit flowing out of his mouth.

LUCAS
Adam, hey man, are you all right?

ADAM
(whimpering)
Hot Fries ... are ... so ... hot.

LUCAS
Yeah, that's why they're called Hot Fries.

ADAM
I know.  I just wanted that energy boost.

LUCAS
Looks like you got more than that.

ADAM
But I forgot that I'm allergic to large quantities of that stuff!

LUCAS
(growls)
This cannot be happening!

ADAM
Oh, it's happening.  You'd better get me a nurse soon.

LUCAS
Okay.  Stay right here.

He runs out the door.  Adam gives a piteous moan.

INT. HALLWAY-- MOMENTS LATER

Lucas has managed to snag a hold on Nurse Betty, who is wheeling a gurney along and not at all pleased that she has to miss out on her soap operas, just because a kid overdosed on Hot Fries.

NURSE BETTY
You know, you really should've been keeping an eye on him.

LUCAS
I didn't tell him to consume twenty whole packs of Hot Fries.

In the middle of arguing his case to Miss Betty, he misses the door in front of him opening and he smashes right into it.

LUCAS
Ah, God!  Oww!

Principal Keys steps behind the door and grins genially at the sight of Miss Betty.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Hello, Miss Betty.  I thought you went home already.

Nurse Betty, feeling the sting of missing her soap operas, directs a scowl at Lucas.

NURSE BETTY
I was about to go home when thus young man comes along and starts screaming that his friend is about to have a heart attack if I don't come.

LUCAS
I don't remember losing my head.  I was very calm.  And rational.

Principal Keys finally acknowledges Lucas' presence.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Why do you always pop up in the strangest circumstances?  As if having an affair with Miss Russell wasn't enough.

NURSE BETTY
It's you?  When I first heard this piece of news, I thought, Bless me!  Poor Miss Russell must have fell under the dangerously seductive traps of a drug-abusing hooligan!  I would never, in my wildest dreams, have thought that an educated young man like you would do such a wicked thing.

LUCAS
(screams)
I didn't start an affair with Miss Russell!

NURSE BETTY
So she started it and you ended the whole thing.  Poor Miss Russell.  You probably broke up with her over the phone and smashed her heart to pieces.

At this point, Lucas is pondering whether or not pulling his hair out would stop Nurse Betty from talking.

LUCAS
Okay, one, I never had an affair with Miss Russell.  Two, why does everyone think she's innocent and I'm not?  Three, my friend really needs some serious help.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
(to Nurse Betty)
Always the first to deny things.

LUCAS
(screeches)
I'm not denying that my friend needs help!
(to Principal Keys)
Michelle said the same thing you just said.  Hey, are you related to her or something?

Principal Keys dodges Lucas' question.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Your friend's in trouble, right?  So let's stop gossiping and get going!

They reach the classroom.  Adam's condition seems to have worsened; he's lying inert and too weak to move.  Lucas hurriedly kneels besides Adam and discovers little bumps on Adam's face.

LUCAS
I think he's getting hives.

Nurse Betty bossily pushes Lucas aside and takes out a mini flashlight.  She shines it on Adam.

NURSE BETTY
We'd better take him to the hospital now.

LUCAS
I'm in!  Let's go!

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Nuh-uh-uh.  You stay here and practice for tomorrow.

He and Nurse Betty heave Adam onto the gurney and wheel him away.  Lucas wonders if he should follow them and dismisses that notion.  Instead, he turns the other way and walks down the hall.

END OF ACT FIVE

ACT SIX

FADE IN:

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL-- NEXT MORNING

EXT. AUDITORIUM-- MORNING

The huge room is decorated with colorful banners.  They wave in the air as Lucas and the other participants walk in and sit in the first row of seats.  Much loud chattering, with some anxiety mixed in, ensue.  Lucas looks at the stage where two podiums stand.  Principal Keys saunters out onto the stage.  At the sight of him, Lucas sinks down into his seat.

LUCAS
Not him again.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Hello, folks!  I hope you're all ready for this debate because in a few minutes, your peers will enter and watch.  Now, the risks are very high, such as making a fool out of yourself on stage-

At this, he shoots Lucas a very nasty smile, which Lucas returns.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
But the awards are higher.  The winner will receive a $5,000 scholarship and an all-expenses-paid trip for three.

Everyone claps and whistle.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
So without any further ado, let's get started.

The back doors opens and the rest of the high school pour in.  After ten minutes of rowdy cheering, Principal Keys speaks again.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
The first two up ar Lucas Sandalwood and Brian Haye.

Lucas and Brain stand and each goes to a podium.

AUDIENCE
Go, Brian!!

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Settle down, everyone.  Alright, Brian, Lucas, the issue you have to debate is: communism.  Brian, you're the supporter and Lucas, you're the opposer.  The panel of judges-

He sweeps his arm to four people seated along the left.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Are Gene Jackal, Jared Hampshire, Cindy Woodman, and Kathryn Billody, all of whom teach debate at Oxford University in England.  They have flown in for this very special occasion and will decide which two will go on to the round tomorrow.  The two participants will have only five minutes to prove their point.

Some of the judges' glasses glint ominously.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
So, off you two go.

BRIAN
Alright.  Communism is good because you'll always have the government as the safety net, even if they control everything.

Applause rings throughout the auditorium.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Very good response, Brian.  Now, Lucas, what do you have to say to that?

LUCAS
You can't guarantee that the government will always have your back.

BRIAN
Does that mean you want no government?

LUCAS
I didn't say that.  I'm just saying that the government has had its share of bad people in it.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Time's up!  The judges will now decide.

The judges whisper.  The one of them whispers to Principal Keys.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
(forced)
The judges are unanimous: despite his recent actions, Lucas Sandalwood presented the best argument.

Boos and only a smattering of applause come from the audience.  Lucas and Brian step down.

Shots flash by.  Principal Keys says "Lucas Sandalwood" and "Michelle Brown" at regular intervals.  Flashes of audience booing and clapping.  Flashes of people debating and pounding the podiums.  Finally, the flashes end.  Camera zooms in to view the clock: 4:40.  The time has come to decide which two people will continue.  Principal Keys, flamboyant as ever, ostentatiously waves a little piece of paper.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Ladies and gentlemen, I hold the key to your life in this piece of paper.  You all did wonderful but there can only be two winners today.  One of the two, no surprise, is Michelle Brown ...

Applause and acclamation.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
(more to Michelle than to the audience)
Before I announce the second winner, I must say that I had no contribution to picking him out whatsoever.  It was the judges and only them.  I merely ...

GENE JACKAL
Get on with it, Bill.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Right you are, Gene.  All right.  The second winner is ...

Dramatic silence.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Lucas Sandalwood.

LUCAS
Yes!

AUDIENCE
Boo!!

GENE JACKAL
Best of luck to the both of you.  We will see you tomorrow.

END OF ACT SIX

ACT SEVEN

FADE IN:

EXT. A VERY NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL-- NEXT MORNING

INT. AUDITORIUM-- NEXT MORNING

 The auditorium steadily fills up.  Camera pulls back to reveal Lucas standing at one podium and Michelle at the other, with Principal Keys sanding on the stage between them.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
Welcome, folks!  After today, only one person out of the two, Lucas Sandalwood and Michelle Brown, will be determined as the winner.  You will have as long as you want to prove your point.  The topic will be ...

LUCAS
Oh, boy.

PRINCIPAL KEYS
The recent events concerning Lucas Sandalwood!